BlakeRoberson.net

Dear Wal-Mart,

I’m writing today to inform you that I’m rather unhappy with your produce selection. I purchased some bananas not but two days ago from one of your Murfreesboro stores, and in that two days four out of the four bananas had bad spots on them.

I know that when picking produce you need to pick the ones that aren’t quite ripe yet. I know you do this to allow some time for the fruits to sit on your counter, but this is ridiculous. Had I not already eaten all four bananas I would honestly think about taking them back. I hope this letter enlightens you of the error in your ways, and I hope that you do your best to not let this happen again. If so I may just have to stop buying bananas from your stores. I might even go so far as to buy bananas from Food Lion, and I know you don’t want that. I’ll give you one more chance Wal-Mart, but that’s it. Don’t disappoint me.

Your Loyal Customer,
Blake Roberson

P.S. I’m very sorry for your loss of Mr. John Walton.

I didn’t mind giving you a spot today, when you were lifting that tremendous amount of weight, but you were honestly making the rest of us look bad. It’s just not right for a guy your size to be bench pressing 275 lbs. I mean come on; you look like you only weighed 135, and you only came up to my chest when you stood up. Honestly it’s great that you can lift so must but I would have never guessed. You’re not even big. I would even go so far as to safely say that I think you could take me in a fight. I don’t mean to bring you down but all I’m saying is I looked like a girly man working out next to you powerhouse, and I didn’t appreciate it. Perhaps you should take that super human strength of yours else where. We just don’t like you kind around here superman.

The Jealous Girly Man,
Blake Roberson

P.S. I was just kidding. Please don’t come looking for me.

Back when I was in third grade I had a friend named Mickey. He was a cool kid that was pretty popular and just overall a fun guy to hang around. Mickey had this thing for Guns n’ Roses. They were his favorite band and were always on his mind. This was back when I had yet to hear of grunge music and Bevis and Butthead was one of the most talked about things on TV. With the influences of a kid who was as hyper and as passionate about something as Mickey was, and then MTV telling me that rock music was cool, I formed the opinion that I wanted to listen to Guns N’ Roses.

Back then I had no money and no access to any transportation in any way shape or form. Therefore I had no way to obtain any music on my own. I asked my mom if she would buy me Guns N’ Roses but she adamantly refused. No matter how hard I begged she would not budge. She had heard that Guns N’ Roses was WILD. They were just a bunch of junkie heathens and she wasn’t going to expose me to that. Her determination and bad mental image of what Guns N’ Roses was about, left my childhood free of the evil high pitched voice of Axel Rose.

When I was 17 I had a job at an electronic superstore that has one of the best assortments of CDs around. One day I won a contest with my amazing ability to sell extended warrantees and I was given the opportunity to select any CD of my choice free of charge. I searched up and down the aisles for that one CD that I couldn’t live without. Finally after scanning through hundreds and hundreds of CDs I found the one I was looking for. Guns N’ Roses: Appetite for Destruction.

It was a joyous day when I acquired that CD. However, it was somewhat short lived. It wasn’t but a week after that, that I was the victim of a burglary. Someone broke into my car and stole my CDs, subwoofer, and amplifier. I was devastated. My car was parked in my friend’s driveway and I never would have seen it coming.

Nevertheless, I replaced all that I could, but I never got around to replacing my GNR CD. That is until yesterday. While at Hastings renting a movie, Heather decided to pick up Guns N’ Roses: Greatest Hits. I’m so glad that she did. That GNR void that has been there ever since 3rd grade has now been filled once again. As I drove to work this morning listening to November Rain a tear came to my eye as a reveled in what I missed out on for so long.

Point: Guns N’ Roses: Greatest Hits = A good CD. I give it two thumbs up.

I got this email today:

I know that everyone gets an award that submits their site to TennesseeBloggers.com, simply because it’s just a big listing of blogs in Tennessee, but it’s still cool.

Thanks TennesseeBloggers.com, I appreciate it. I’ll be putting a link back to you guys real soon.

I got up at 5:00 AM yesterday morning to go on a canoeing trip. Luckily for me I had to work late night before at my second job, so I ended up with only about 4 hours of sleep. It amazes me how my brain works when I’m really tired. Mostly I had a hard time doing simple things like making sandwiches and turning off the fan, but as I was bushing me teeth all I kept thinking about was that I needed to clean the sink and I couldn’t get some random New Kids On The Block song out of my head.

After a slow and agonizing process of getting ready, Heather and I finally made the hour and a half trip to the Elk River to meet our friends. We signed away all liability of the canoe company, got some oars, and we in the river at 8:30. Had I not been making my way down a river I don’t think I would have ever known that the weather yesterday morning was so crappy. I probably would have been sleeping right through it. But yes, the rain and fog and mist sucked while being in a canoe.

Really though it wasn’t bad. I had fun. It’s just easier to write about the not so great parts when you’re still extremely worn out from the excursion. The sun actually ended up coming out and we made the 9 mile trip without anyone tipping. Also while trekking down the river I saw a flock of about 50 buzzards roosting in the trees over head. I’ll have to admit that it was a little spooky.

Somehow on the way home, Heather and I lost our bearings a few times and we had to keep turning around. I now know that being tired and sun burnt make it hard to navigate a map and directions. Therefore, this trip alone has showed me that Heather and I may not be as cut out for The Amazing Race as we had originally thought.

There goes our million dollars…

Switching from a nice cushy sit down job during the week, complete with a cubicle and all the ink pens I could ever want, to a stand up retail job on the weekend sucks. My feet and lower back are hurting! I’m ready to take my shoes off and call it a night. I wish this store could just run fine without for 3 ½ hours, but unfortunately I they can’t. So alas I am stuck here.

Dear GAP,

Thank you for putting that Teflon fabricoat stain protector on your cloths. My khakis and button down shirt would have been completely soaked today if not for that. Your genius minds and smart thinking allowed me to simply brush that large amount of water off with a simple wave of my hand. Thanks to you I was able to stay as dry as the Sahara. I appreciate all that you’ve done for me. You truly are a good friend.

Sincerely,
Blake Roberson

I really appreciate you walking in front of me today. The immaculate display of your ladylike manners while you dug into your crack was more than I could have ever dreamed. As you tunneled deeper and deeper into your own orifice I could not help but watch. I was a mere 5 feet behind you, and being that close made it just too much to turn away. I hope that after the two minutes you spent digging you finally got the best of that wedgie, because needless to say it certainly brought out the best in you.

Your Pal,
Blake Roberson

Today while at Publix, I was getting a rotisserie chicken dinner from the deli when I met a guy named Ken. He was the one working behind the counter taking my order. I know his name is Ken because he introduced himself and shook my hand. I also know that Ken sharpened the knives yesterday, gets off at 7, has a thing for blondes, works two jobs, one at Publix and other at Golden Coral, and he doesn’t really like black people.

I know all this because either Ken is a freak and really loves to share or I just have one of those faces that screams “tell me things that let me know you’re a racist”. Either way there are some things you should just keep to yourself

It’s funny in a way that I just listed all my old jobs, because today while I was lounging around the pool, enjoying the sunshine who happened to come walking in? One of my old managers from that electronic store I used to work at.

I remember that right before I left there I didn’t particularly care for him too much. He used to give me a lot of crap about the “Performance Service Plans” that this store offers on every product. Apparently no matter how many I sold it just wasn’t enough. It was too much of a high pressure atmosphere, that as a high school kid, I wasn’t totally comfortable with.

A few months before I left, there was a serious loss of merchandise epidemic sweeping the store. No one could figure it out. Security around that place immediately got beefed up, but yet DVD players, video cameras, cell phones, you name, just kept disappearing. All of the managers were on edge during this time because it was thousands and thousands of dollars of stuff that just kept going unaccounted for. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that it was someone who worked there doing all the stealing. I remember that this manager who I saw today was the one on the forefront of the thief finding crusade. Every night at the closing meeting he would be livid. He would kick things and throw things and cuss like there was no tomorrow, all because he was so upset that someone who worked there was taking all this stuff. He said “He felt that it was a personal insult to himself, that someone under him would do such a thing”. This went on for months, and because of that, every day; everyone was wound up so tight, analyzing each other trying to catch this thief.

I ended up leaving before the perpetrator was brought to justice. However, I found out later on through some friends that still worked there, that this manager, who was the one ready to take everyone outside and beat the hell out each and every one of us to find the thief got fired because it turned out that he was stealing all that stuff.

Every night he would put on this act so no one would suspect him and then once everyone was gone he would pillage and plunder the store. I have to admit he was a good actor because I would have never guessed it was him, and now I find out that he lives in the building next to me. Great…

With me only being 22 and spending my early working years growing up in a constant swelling suburb of Nashville I’ve worked my fair share of jobs.

The reason I decided to write this little story about my work history, is because on June 1st I’ve officially worked at Havertys for three years. Although for the past year I’ve been working at another job that pays a whole lot more, therefore it only leaves room to work there only one day a week. To celebrate my commitment to the company they gave me this key chain. It’s a little hard to see in the picture but it’s pretty nice. So if you’re nice to me this year you may get lucky and get one that looks just like it for Christmas. I’m just kidding, but that sure would be funny.